Saying out loud to anyone that I wasn’t enjoying it felt wrong, it was like this dirty little secret I had to hide.
I felt broken & peoples’ unrequited opinions & actions just made it 100 times worse. For all the help those ignorant people probably thought they were giving, they were actually causing me more heartache and damage to my mental health than they will ever know.
I was in labour for over 48 hours & spent a good chunk of my latent phase bouncing on a birthing ball watching Bones (because if solving murders can’t get you through early labour – what can?!) I don’t actually remember much about giving birth, I just knew I needed to get it done & get baby out. We spent 3 days in hospital post-partum to check for side effects from my anti-depressants, as I’d been advised to stay on them during pregnancy & then that was it, into the world to navigate life with a newborn.
I’m 18 months on now and have this happy, babbling, mischievous toddler. Being a mum isn’t easy & sometimes, like when he’s having a temper tantrum because I won’t let him chew the dog’s tail, or when I’ve got 18 piles of laundry in my living room & I can’t remember which ones are clean and which ones are dirty, I find myself questioning ‘what’s the point’, but then, all of a sudden Jarvis will do something. It can be anything, a smile, a laugh, a cuddle, even a fart & it makes me go, ‘yep, that’s why. You are hands down worth everything.’
People will always have an opinion. They’ll have had a baby 15 years ago and still think they know best. It’s easier said than done but ignore them as much as possible. Pregnancy and motherhood don’t come with a rulebook, none of it is rigid. If you want advice, ask for it but try see it as a structure and make it your own. I’ve been winging it since I found out I was expecting & still am now, so if you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t worry no one else does either!